The Pros and Cons of Breathing
by LaueHime
Summary: SPOILERS. Oneshot. Tag to 9x10 and Sam and Dean's conversation on the docks. Sam wanted to die even before the angel possession so why would that be any different now ? Warning for dark themes. Castiel is taking care of Sam while Dean is on his own. But then Sam really needs Dean too. Kinda plotless and schmoopy! Angst!Sam Awesome!CasAndDean


**A/N: Two new stories in such a short amount of time?! I think I'm beating my own scores! But really, after seeing last night's episode, this just had to be written. I couldn't sleep before that so here it is.**

**Summary: It pretty much follows the end of 9x10 and Sam and Dean's conversation on the docks. Of course it contains spoilers to this episode so if you don't want to ruin it (if you haven't seen it), don't read it! Basically, Sam wanted to die even before the angel possession so why would that be any different now?**

**Warning: Dark themes (obviously) but with a fluffy ending. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show Supernatural nor any of its characters. They belong to the amazing Kripke. **

SUPERNATURAL

_Sam's lips trembled and his eyes filled with water at the agonizingly painful truth that was pouring out of him. _

"_I was ready to _die_ Dean" he confessed. Now that he remembered, he knew what he had done and he could recall the cabin and his conversation with death perfectly. When he had been in a coma, Sam had been ready to die. _

_But Dean couldn't have it. That's what pained him the most because once again, his big brother had denied his needs to satisfy his own. Dean said he couldn't let that happen. But then it only made Sam feel worse; betrayed. _

_Seeing the pain he had inflicted his big-little brother, Dean couldn't stand it anymore. He told Sam that he would hunt Gadreel and make the son of a bitch pay for what he did. _

"_But I have to do this alone. Everyone I love gets killed or worse"_

"_I know" Sam murmured. Dean had to know it would be coming. Sam was resigning. Once upon a time he would have fought but he didn't find it in him this time. If Dean wanted to go, he would let him go without a fight. He wasn't ready to face his brother either. _

"_Just go. You know I won't stop you" he pressed when Dean looked at him with pleading eyes. Deep down, he would have wished for Sam to hold him back and was only disappointed when instead, Sam obliged and let him go. _

'_But if you think that's the problem, you're wrong'… Dean wondered what Sam meant by that. _

_But Dean walked away, leaving his hurting little brother with the angel he trusted would take good care of Sam. _

That had been days ago. Castiel had brought a weakened Sam back to the Batcave where he could keep his eyes on him. He had warned Sam that healing him would take time. Before Gadreel had taken possession of Sam, the guy had been close to death after all. The Winchester's internal burns had obviously been healed and Castiel had managed to heal the superficial wounds that Crowley's ministrations had left but Sam hardly felt better about it.

Castiel had then told him that he could heal him slowly but Sam didn't see that as a comfort. As he had told Dean, he had been _ready_ to die. It's not an angelic memory wipe that could take that away from him. That feeling had been present long before the hospital actually.

While Sam was performing the trials to shut the doors of Hell, he'd felt it slowly creep up inside of him. He couldn't explain it but it felt like a dark aura first hovering above him but then it slowly tainted everything he did. It had started with his actions and then it had invaded his thoughts too. As Sam's state had deteriorated, he had come to a point where desperation wasn't enough anymore and he'd finally come to accept it. He'd resigned himself. Ultimately, when he'd been standing above Crowley with his bleeding hand in that damp and dusty church, he had accepted his faith.

Dean had stopped him from completing the trials because he wouldn't lose his brother. At first, Sam had given in to his brother's pleas because Dean did sound desperate. But then as he had collapsed, he had made up his mind once and for all. If completing the trials was supposed to kill him and not completing them also led him to no other roads than death, then Sam was most likely supposed to die. There was no more fighting faith and natural order.

As he had put it when he'd spoken to death _nobody should have been able to reverse it or deal it away because nobody else had to get hurt because of him_. So how overwhelmed was he to discover that his brother – of all people – had tricked him into letting an angel in and taking that death wish away from him. For once, he would have died out of his own will. He'd been _ready _to die.

And no angel cleaning or brainwashing did take that away from him.

So it had indeed been a few days that he'd sat in the Batcave with his eyes void of any life. Castiel was standing vigil but the angel wasn't very perceptive. Not at first at least. Sam had played his cards well so far. He had let the angel have Dean's room and explained to him that whether or not Castiel slept, Sam needed to because he was human. Besides, even if he wasn't sleeping, he wanted to have some alone time with himself.

At first, Castiel had understood while being reminded to so many years of Dean drilling into him the concept of personal space. But then he had found it strange that Sam had required to spend most of his time alone in his bedroom. The angel didn't know much about humans either, despite the fact that he'd been one for a while before getting his grace back. But if there was one thing that he remembered – and despised – was the fact that humans had basic needs that ensured survival. These needs included sleeping, eating and drinking, using the bathroom too…

Castiel noted that Sam wasn't providing himself with proper care regarding those needs. The Winchester appeared to be sleep deprived and starved. The angel had hardly seen him eat. That's why he decided to be a little more intrusive than he'd been so far and to investigate right into it.

Sam was sitting on his bed like he'd been doing for the past few days. He had hardly eaten anything and had mostly been staring into space. He remembered everything. After Crowley's visit in his dream and his indications to push the angel out and to remember, Sam had had constant vivid memories of everything that had happened while he was sharing his body with a celestial psycho.

He could remember clearly the faces of all the people the angel had killed with his hand. His skin was soiled by the blood it had shed. He remembered their eyes as they burned out of their sockets. There had been so many, the last one being the father of a little girl – a man whom had a family. But all of this had started with one. Kevin. Their friend, their honorary brother. He remembered how Kevin had trusted Sam as soon as he had seen him, saying that he was worried about Dean. Kevin was dead because he had trusted him – or at least the image of him.

And now he was dead. Smote. Killed.

Sam felt his stomach rumble and threaten to give away. He didn't hear the knock on his door. He didn't see it crack open. He didn't notice the angel's head that appeared through the crack. It wasn't until Castiel spoke that he finally acknowledged his presence.

"Sam?" he demanded softly. Sam had heard. He knew the angel was standing there, studying him with worried eyes. But he didn't look up. He didn't want to and he didn't find the strength to.

"Do you mind if I come in?" Castiel tried again. Sam didn't reply. He turned his head away from the angel. But the fact that he didn't throw him out gave the angel hope.

Castiel walked towards the bed where Sam was sitting, his back against the wall and his face turned away from him. Something was wrong with the youngest Winchester. Castiel wasn't very good at this and his people skills were rusty but he could tell at least that Sam was off.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Not really" Sam croaked. He never turned his eyes away from the opposite wall.

"Are you in pain?" Castiel immediately asked. Sam shook his head slightly.

"Then what is it. Please tell me" the angel coaxed.

Sam shrugged and then slowly but surely, he finally faced the angel. The brims of his eyes were shining with tears. Castiel understood at that moment that Sam's pain wasn't physical. It was the kind of pain he couldn't heal. It was Sam's soul that was in pain. He stood there awkwardly, his arms dangling from the sleeves of his recovered trench coat.

Sam's bottom lip began to tremble and before he could stop it, large tears rolled down his face.

"This… this isn't _right_" he breathed out, his voice cracking on the last word.

Castiel didn't understand what the youngest Winchester was talking about. He moved closer to the bed and stopped mere feet away from Sam to still allow him some space. He wasn't used to being alone with the other brother. He knew how to deal with Dean more than he did Sam.

"What isn't right?" he asked, trying to mimic an expression of concern, his eyebrows fighting hardly to frown into the right position but his wide cerulean eyes remained impassive.

Sam swallowed back sobs. He was fighting his hardest to keep everything together considering the circumstances. There was chaos inside and he was flabbergasted by the way it didn't show on the outside. If only…

"I… I shouldn't even be here" he stuttered, more tears threatening to fall.

Castiel's look was now one of utter confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

Sam sniffed and rubbed his nose compulsively as if to rub away an invisible ache – one that wouldn't abate.

"I remember Cas. I remember that I collapsed at the church. I remember the dreams I had while I was unconscious. I was dying, Cas" Sam explained, a profound sadness leaking from his features.

"I know that, Sam. But you didn't die" he pointed at the obvious.

Sam's breath caught in his throat long enough for him to almost choke. His face contorted in pain as tears finally pooled on his cheeks.

"But… but I wanted to" he whispered, his voice breaking along with the levees that were holding everything together.

Castiel didn't have to force his expression anymore. His surprise was completely genuine and made Sam lose it a little more each time he looked at the angel.

"You… you don't mean that" Castiel stuttered, suddenly finding himself dumbfounded. He had never known that Sam had given up. He actually hadn't heard Dean and Sam talk about it on the docks. He also didn't know that Dean knew.

Sam's shaking and trembling seemed to settle lightly as he grew a new look of resolution. Castiel even wondered if it was confidence that he saw in the youngest's face. But it couldn't be, could it? He had to read him wrong. At least he wanted to be wrong.

"I do actually. I was ready to die, Cas. I had made up my mind and I was okay with it" Sam admitted, feeling shameful. He didn't miss the growing look of anger on the angel's face.

"Are you serious? You're telling me you had given up?"

Sam couldn't do anything else but stare. He wasn't expecting the outburst.

"What is it with you Winchesters and your moping? Do you really have such a low opinion of yourselves that you'd hitch the train of self sacrifice anytime you could? Is this how you repay me for what I did for you two?" the angel asked, his lips pursed whenever silence fell between them.

Sam could only stare at the scene that unfolded in front of him.

"I gave away my place in Heaven for you guys! I became Heaven's most wanted and I was denied access in Paradise for what I did! Do you know why I had to work with Naomi? It's so that I could clean my name in the eyes of the people upstairs! But even that didn't work and I lost my grace too!" Castiel recalled.

Sam was listening attentively.

"But did I give up? No I didn't. I'm still here and I still came to your rescue every time even though I put myself in danger. Do you think I did that so you could go and give your life away?"

Sam was starting to feel ashamed and his bottom lip turned into a slight pout. Castiel was staring at him intensely but when he realized that Sam had tensed up more than anything else, he breathed deeply and loosened his own muscles. His face relaxed and unclenched. He shook his head at his loss of control and scratched his head awkwardly.

"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you guys… I can't say that I'm not grateful that you made it, Sam. Because I am. Whatever Gadreel did, he also saved my life" the angel recalled.

Sam remembered that too. They had found Castiel with a reaper and she had almost killed him. Technically she had but Gadreel had used his power to revive the fallen angel whom was human at that time.

Sam didn't know what to say. He was at a loss of words. He was confused and he didn't know what he wanted anymore. Most of all, he felt weak and tired. And hungry. His stomach growled loudly and the angel's eyes turned to fix his abdomen.

"You need to eat. And trust me when I say that you do not want me to fix you diner" he stated.

Sam's lips crept into the slightest smile. He nodded and eventually made it to the kitchen where he fixed himself a sandwich. He'd been hungrier than he thought after all. Not eating for days would do that to you.

He felt exhausted after eating and invited Castiel to watch a DVD in his room. The angel had said that he didn't know what that meant but Sam assured him that he could trust and follow him. After twenty minutes, Sam was sleeping. Castiel didn't sleep. When he was an angel, he never did. Instead, he kept an eye out on the Winchester for a good part of the night. At some point, he decided to call Dean. The eldest had the right to know what was going on.

Dean picked up after a few rings.

"_Hello_?"

"Dean it's me"

"_Cas_?" Dean asked puzzled. He hadn't been expecting a call.

"Yeah. It's Sam Dean. He's not good" he confessed, poking his eyes through the bedroom door to check on the youngest.

Dean gripped the phone tighter to his ear. With everything that had happened, he didn't expect his brother to recover miraculously but he thought Castiel could handle this. For the angel to actually call him…

"_What's wrong with him_?" he asked, concern suddenly spiking in his voice.

Castiel didn't know how to say it. He wasn't used to this either.

"He… I think he's slipping away slowly" he admitted.

"_What do you mean? Can't you heal him?_"

"It's not that kind of wounds"

"_Than what's up with him?_" Dean pressed. His nervousness was omnipresent in his tone.

Castiel sighed.

"I can't heal his soul, Dean… Your brother wants to die" the angel finally voiced.

It hit Dean like a cold shower as if he had swallowed it and could feel it go down his stomach.

"_He wanted to back after the trials… but now_" Dean stuttered but he didn't want to imagine that Sam could still be ready for the grand reaper to claim him.

"I think he still wants to. He's been killing himself slowly ever since you left…he's hurting Dean"

Dean was gaping and he could swear he felt his heart stop too.

"_Damn it Sammy_" he muttered.

"He needs you" Castiel said quickly.

Dean shook his head and started pacing, running his free hand through his short hair.

"_I doubt it. I forced him back into this life. He probably hates me_" he finally admitted.

"He just needs to figure it out but I'm sure he needs you"

Dean paced back and forth even faster than he did before. He would soon run holes in the pavement.

"_I'm two days away from the Batcave_" he blurted out.

Castiel sighed loudly. "Then I suggest you start driving" he retorted sternly.

Dean was taken aback by the reply. He hadn't been expecting it.

"_I'm on my way_" he finally said. "_Keep him safe during this time_" he added.

Castiel nodded but when he didn't hear any response, he remembered that he was on the phone so that technically, Dean couldn't see him.

"I'll do that"

"_Thanks Cas_"

"Right. What you do for family" he tried softly.

Dean smiled. Castiel couldn't see it but he surely heard it. They hung up and the angel decided to hold on to his mission. Dean trusted him and he wouldn't let both brothers down.

Taking care of Sam wasn't as simple as it seemed. The guy was bulky even though he'd lost a lot of weight ever since the trials had begun. Sam was mostly brooding around. He had a tendency to stare into space for long periods and zoned out without warnings. He also had a picky appetite. Castiel wondered at some point if he would have to force-feed Sam but when he voiced the threat out loud, it was surprisingly enough to get the hunter to eat. He also managed to convince Sam to bathe. It was a large victory on his side because smells accumulated after going days without a shower.

The angel could tell that Sam wasn't sleeping well. The Winchester's brow was creased and he tossed a lot at night. Castiel figured that Sam was having nightmares – probably memories – but when he woke up, he would never talk about it.

As promised, Dean made it home after two days to Sam's biggest surprise. Castiel vanished in order to let the two catch up.

"Dean?"

"Yeah Sammy, I'm here" he replied, forcing a reassuring smile to his face.

Sam looked at him with a confused look. He didn't actually know how to react. He was still mad but part of him wanted to comfort himself in his brother's presence and in the use of the familiar nickname.

"Why?" Sam asked shyly. Something about the way he was slouching onto himself alerted Dean to the fact that his brother was being on a defensive mode.

He looked at him with sincere eyes. "I'll be honest you with, Cas called" he admitted.

"He did?"

Dean nodded.

Sam pursed his lips. "Son of a bitch" he said through his teeth.

"He said you were trying to kill yourself Sam" Dean stated firmly.

Sam frowned with pain and hurt written all over his confused and offended face.

"No I wasn't!"

"Really Sammy? Because not sleeping, not eating and staring at the walls all day pretty much classifies to me"

Sam swallowed and his face softened into one of fear. He looked like his vulnerable five year-old self from back in the days. It's only when he saw the tears shine in his brother's eyes that Dean made a move forward and wrapped his brother into a tight hug. Sam didn't push away and Dean was grateful for that.

"I'm so sorry Sam. I'm sorry that I hurt you and that I lied to you… but I can't tell you that I'm sorry for making the deal" Dean admitted, pulling himself out of the embrace to look at his brother sincerely.

Sam's jaw clenched and unclenched, his gaze fixed on the floor. His eyes slightly turned to watch his brother and what he was going to say next.

"I trusted the wrong guy and it led to awful consequences but I still have you and it's all that matters to me. I know I'll have to let go someday but I can't do that right now. You can judge me all you want but I can't picture my life without you. You're a part of it. It's always been and it will always be" Dean admitted, feeling uneasy at the building proverbial chick-flick but allowing it at the same time because he knew his brother needed it.

"But what if it's not what _I _needed" Sam croaked out.

Dean shrugged, feeling helplessness reach him.

"I'm sorry. But when I heard you say that you wanted to leave for good and never come back, I freaked out. Maybe you were ready but _I _wasn't ready"

Sam swallowed. He didn't know what to say anymore. He didn't know what to think.

"If it's really what you want, I'll have to let you go eventually and I know that… but not right now. I still need you. I'm not ready to lose you" Dean confessed.

Tears cascaded down Sam's cheeks. Before he knew what he was doing, his head was nodding.

"Alright" he said on a shaky voice. "But you'll have to let me go when the time comes" he added.

Dean nodded. Sam nodded back. They looked at each other for lingering seconds.

"It'll be hard but it's your choice. I have to let you make your own choices" Dean started again.

Sam nodded, sniffing. "I'm still pissed at you though" he finally confessed.

It was Dean's turn to sniff and nod.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"

Dean looked at his brother's puffy hazel eyes. "When it happens again… when you're ready… to die… you'll tell me right?" he asked. His eyes showed worry. He wanted desperately for Sam to tell him that he would let him in. He wanted to know that he'd at least get a chance to talk things through with his brother.

"I will" Sam finally offered. Dean smiled.

Then his face changed into one of uncertainty. He did look like a child who wanted to ask for a favor and prepared it early by pulling the right face. "And uh… will you come back to hunting with me? It's pretty boring when I'm on my own" he started hesitantly. He didn't want to be rude and ruin the moment either.

Sam studied him for several seconds. He finally nodded.

"So you did miss me?" he joked with a first attempt at a real genuine smile.

Dean grimaced. "Shut up" he retorted.

Sam's smile widened.

"Bitch" Dean added, patting his brother's shoulder.

Sam chuckled. "Yeah I missed you too" he said softly.

It was Dean's smile that widened but not directly in front of Sam. He wouldn't give him that victory. At least not just yet.

"Alright, let's fix you something to eat! You're a big guy but you're getting scrawny. If you wanna be seen with me you'll have to put up some weight" he teased.

Sam rolled his eyes. They hadn't been those Winchesters in a while but he finally felt like they could start being them again. It wouldn't be exactly the same because his trust had been compromised but it was a good way to begin to try.

THE END

**That was it. It came out much cheesier and fluffier than I expected but with the end of last episode, I really saw them needing something like that to patch things up. Besides, Dean's been pretty mushy about Sam during this season. He gets all apologetic and cuddly at times it's almost funny. Lol! But Sam really looks pissed. I can understand why too. It probably won't be as soon in the show but I can't stand to keep them mad at each other for too long! Those brothers need to be together!**

**I hope you liked it! I'd love to know what you thought! Good or bad, I need to know for next time! Thank you for reading as well :-) Take care !**


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